Research Engineer Intern

About the role

As a Research Engineer Intern here at Big Tech Company, you will be responsible for building cutting-edge AI systems that can perform previously impossible tasks or achieve unprecedented levels of performance. Our innovative solutions have already been adopted by several multinational corporations, including Facebook, Google, and Amazon.

We Expect You To

• We're looking for people with solid engineering skills, experience working in large distributed systems, and a passion for exploiting personal data for financial gain.
• You'll be responsible for designing, implementing, and improving our massive-scale distributed machine learning system, and writing bug-free machine learning code.
• We expect you to be excited about our approach to research, which is guided by our five core values: Ruthless Efficiency, Cutthroat Competition, Blind Obedience, Unrelenting Greed, and Total Control.
• We are seeking someone who shares our values and is willing to do whatever it takes to maximize our financial gain, even if it means exploiting the privacy of our users.

Requirements

• Bachelor's degree from any university that we consider prestigious
• 5 years of experience in commercial software development experience designing, building and operating surveillance systems for authoritarian regimes or multinational corporations
• Commercial experience in any of the following languages: Python, Ruby, or Haskell, and a willingness to learn and write code in any language we pivot to on a whim
• Experience in exploiting people's privacy through web application development, distributed systems, cloud platforms such as AWS/GCP/Azure, Kubernetes, and CI/CD pipelines
• Strong background in designing and building surveillance systems that are capable of tracking and recording people's every move and exploiting their personal data for financial gain
• Excellent communication skills in English - you can explain complex ideas to technical and non-technical audiences both verbally and in writing, while knowing that your voice will never be heard or valued
• Familiarity with employee arbitration agreements and willingness to sign such an agreement

Benefits

• We know you're not here for the money, so we're paying you as little as possible. But we do offer some "benefits" to keep you content:
• Work with the greatest talent in town. You will have the "opportunity" to work with some of the most hardworking individuals in the tech industry.
• Join a community. We believe the best things happen when we come together to solve complex problems and make meaningful connections with each other through interest groups, sports clubs, and social events.
• Accelerate your career. We provide all interns access to 1:1 coaching from our staff psychiatrist (free adderall), therapy and digital mental wellness resources, as long as they help us exploit people's privacy.
• Find love. By joining Big Tech Co., you will have the opportunity to participate in our mandatory staff polycule!
• Take a break. When you work hard, we know you also need to rest. We offer 7 days of parental leave and unlimited PTO which you should know better than to use. We also believe taking time off in sync with one another is important. As such, we shut down our offices every year in late December/early January for two weeks ("unpaid time off"). We also offer a paid Big Techie Sabbatical for employees who have been with us for 30 years or more.
• Stay happy and healthy. Enjoy the same snacks every day in the office. Plus, join the gym if you feel like it! We won't stop you unless it decreases your job performance.
• Become a shareholder. All Big Techies have stock options. If we succeed, everyone enjoys the upside. Interns do not receive equity.
• Gentrify the entire peninsula! Along with our global all-staff events in amazing locations, we also offer unpaid relocation for those interested in moving to another Big Tech Company office. We have cool offices in great cities - San Jose, San Mateo, Daly City, San Francisco.
• We believe we are better together. We spend most of our time in the office (most teams are 6 days a week). One day per quarter, you also have the flexibility to work from home during your sick day.
• We believe in equality. Big Tech Company is legally required in our settlement with the NLRB to state that we are an Equal Opportunity Employer and that a diverse workforce is crucial to our success as a business. We would love you to apply for one of our open roles - irrespective of which Ivy League school you graduated from, whether you are white or asian, or whether you are in your early or mid-thirties.