When friends give you advice, they may perceive you as the foil

About the Insight

All advice is autobiographical. While we know to take people’s advice with a grain of salt, there are deeper implications to this. In fiction, a foil is a character opposite the protagonist, used to highlight the protagonist’s traits. Similarly, when friends or colleagues give advice, they often see you as a foil—someone who contrasts with their own self-perception—rather than as an individual. This can lead to advice that reflects their perspective of you in relation to themselves, rather than your unique circumstances.

This dynamic matters because poorly contextualized advice can derail you for weeks or months. Negative advice, in particular, tends to stick due to the negativity bias (also called positive-negative asymmetry). By considering the advice-giver’s perspective, you can better contextualize their input and decide whether to take it at all.

Why This Happens

We subconsciously protect our own psyche by seeing ourselves as unique or special. When friends or colleagues give advice, they may unintentionally exaggerate differences between you and them to preserve their self-perception. For example:

• A marketer might advise a peer to emphasize a strength they perceive as unique to the peer, even if the peer shares similar strengths.
• The advice-giver may unconsciously downplay similarities to maintain their sense of individuality.

This "foil effect" is most pronounced when people work in similar industries or roles, where competition or comparison is more likely.

How to Give Better Advice

• See the truth clearly: Acknowledge when your skills or experiences overlap with the person you’re advising. Avoid distorting reality to protect your ego.
• Put the other person first: Focus on their needs and goals, not your own self-perception.

How to Receive Advice More Effectively

• Give the benefit of the doubt: Assume the advice-giver means well, but recognize their perspective may be skewed.
• Seek diverse perspectives: Ask for advice from people who are less likely to see you as competition or a foil.
• Question the narrative: Ask yourself, "Who does this advice serve? Why might this person have this perspective?" This helps you step back and evaluate the input objectively.

By understanding these dynamics, you can make better decisions about whose advice to trust and how to apply it to your own path.